2015 Potential Playoff Teams -- The Fun and the Infuriating

In spite of my childhood admiration of the Blue Jays (to the point of performing imaginary 9 inning wiffle ball games as each member of the Jays and the Padres alone in the backyard, keeping stats, imitating stances, running the bases, etc) I actually think there are lots of teams to like in this year's possible playoff picture:

-Royals: augmented their Cain-driven coolness by acquiring Cueto, the coolest cat on the bump

-Orioles: Buck Showalter, Adam Jones, and a lava-like mass of deadly force that just keeps on moving give the O's a fluid, though not fast, team of liquid hot magma.

-Astros: Yes, even the "fucking" Astros are impossible not to like with all those young kids playing fast and free. Once Springer gets back, this team is gonna soar.

-Mets: The Amazins suddenly got some serious swagger with Uribe and Cespedes backing up that brilliant starting rotation. The fans in Queens are going crazy again.

-Nats: If this team ever gets its shit together, it'll make for some beautiful baseball. Harper's transfiguration into the Crucified last fall, and his Second Coming this season as the Redeemer is kinda like The Jesus...Quintana, that is, from Lebowski. There's a literal connection there.

-Pirates: How can you not root for these Buccos?!?! If only so we can get more glimpses of that glorious ballpark and dip once again into Pittsburgh's magical history of baseball perfection (Homestead Grays, Pittsburgh Crawfords, Clemente's '71 Pirates, The '79 Family), I'd like to see the black and gold in the World Series.

-Giants: Nothing banal about the Bay area eccentrics, even sans Timmy the Freak. Gotta love that outfield of Aoki, Pagan, Pence, and Blanco! Perennially underappreciated, I owe everything that I am as a believer in baseball to the SF Giants and their victory over evil (Bush and Texas) in 2010 and again in 2012 and 2014 (against the St. Louis slime).


On the other hand, there's a very real fear once again that the most loathsome teams might make it the worst year for baseball playoffs in a long, long time...


-Rangers: now trailing the Astros by only a couple games for the NL West lead and looking like a strong Wilder Card contender now that they have an ace up their sleeve in Cole Hamels. Never cared for the dude, ever since he beaned Bryce Harper because "I'm old school" and then promptly allowed Harper to steal home on his old-school ass. Ron Washington was a cool manager, as cool as they come, and he wanted to get the fuck outta there so fast he said he cheated on his wife, which for some reason rendered him incapable of managing a baseball team (?). Something tells me it was for other reasons. Even Jabba the Hut himself, Nolan Ryan, flew the coop. And fuck Texas.

-Dodgers: Too much money, too much bling, too much Hollywood without enough Manny Ramirez to make it seem like a self-parody. They've killed the joy in Puig and continue to constrain a man who triumphed over unfathomable obstacles just to get to the damn country, and his play has suffered for it. They can buy anything, but they can't buy backbone. Puig was the only dude who could've given them that, but with all the trade rumors circulating his name this season it's no wonder he looks disinterested out there.

-Cubs: Misery loves company, so I'm sure everybody will moan and groan together in an orgy of agony and secretly love every minute of it once these young guns lose the inevitable Wild Card game against Pittsburgh because Theo Epstein forced Maddon to pitch Lester instead of Arrieta. Nobody probably minds seeing the Cubs win it all when they think about that 108 year curse, but then again, what are the Cubs without that drought? Just another big market team who fucked with the sanctuary of the Friendly Confines to such an inexplicably stupid degree (big scoreboard? who gives a shit! more ads? oh, great. no more rooftops beyond left field able to see the game? how fun.) that winning the WS this year would seem to vindicate a lot of lame billionaire decisions.

-Yankees: For some reason this team always seems to hang around the top of the AL East, even when their rotation and lineup looks mediocre at best. A-Rod's reemergence as a real force at the plate shouldn't have been a big surprise to anyone who studies the game, neither should his sudden acceptance among the Bronx bourgeoisie in that bullshit new ballpark. The whole mandatory grooming policy is so repulsive, reeking of big business bullying practices and the discriminatory days of Steinbrenner, not to mention the GM's name is Cash-man, and oh yeah, it's the fucking Yankees. Blech.

-Cardinals: The only team more loathsome than the Yankees, the Redbirds have become an automatic qualifier for the playoffs every fucking year, even this year with a bunch of injuries to key players and the indignity of the whole Ferguson fiasco solidifying the city's reputation as a slimy, segregated city of injustice and shame. Up in flames with ye!