Ups and Downs, Rox and Browns

With the Face of the Franchise now stolen away from both the Mets and Cardinals, the slick crooks of Little Havana and Disneyland are shamelessly vomiting out hundreds of millions of dollars for each their own southpaw starter. Not content to have raped Queens of her star, Miami ripped the soul out of the southside and stole away Mark Buehrle (he of the Perfect Game), while the crowds in L.A. coo at C.J. Wilson's decision to play for his hometown.

But what's new here in the BULLPEN?  Well, here's one headline:

CUBS AND ROCKIES SWAP FAILURES

The Rox finally disposed of another pasty white lug who couldn't man the hot-corner. But I haven't seen anything out of Colvin to make me think he's any better of a player than Stewart, except for that video on mlb of him legging out a triple (at least he looks faster than oafish Ian). The Cubs also get righthanded reliever Casey Weathers in the deal, who I barely remember even hearing about last season. But apparently the Rox brass is blaring loudest about acquiring this DJ LaMaheiu fella (sounds ridiculously Smooth Jazz Radiojockeyish), apparently another infielder to add to the merry-go-round.

With Herrera, Nelson, EY Jr, and LaMeheiu all undoubtedly inadequate in some ways or others, it's looking like the platoon-horny schmucks in charge don't mind prolonging mediocrity and destroying the careers of decent young infielders by turning them into schizophrenic failures, unable to grow some cajones and get beyond their collective performance anxiety. Shoot, the same probably goes for our third outfielder, too. Whomever he may be.

*                    *                    *

Out in the deep green grass of Coors roams the long-legged doe, Dexter Fowler, still green himself, but with the potential to be one of the best centerfielders in the sport. He's also expected to have a breakout season offensively. For real this time. But unless Jim Tracey gets him out of the leadoff spot and back to the 2-hole where he's most comfortable, there's gonna be some seriously disappointed fans in Denver.

Carlos "The Little Pony" Gonzalez can play anywhere and make it look easy. The dude loves to dive and slide and flash the leather, as much as he enjoys showing off that powerfully smooth swing. The Little Pony of the national league could make a run at MVP again, now that expectations have been tempered.

But the story of the third outfielder has been a woeful tale for the Rockies over the past several years. Watching Brad Hawpe shrivel from an All-Star rightfielder into an incompetent firstbaseman for the Padres, Rox fans have to wonder if we can really expect anything better from the Seth Smith, Ryan Spilborghs, and/or Tyler Colvin trio. Why not deal these players for pitching, and bring up Wheeler or Blackmon again?

*                    *                   *

Let's get the ball back into the infield. Although it'd be nice to snag Martin Prado, I think better value lurks with Placido Polanco. He was forgettably brilliant last May (.398, 10/5 BB/K, 19 RBI), and always wins a gold glove no matter where he plays (2B in 2009, 3B in 2010), plus he never strikes out. So add another veteran goldglover in the infield with Tulo and Helton -- likely the best defenders at their respective positions in all of baseball -- then simply start the best glove of the four platooners from above (at either 3B or 2B).  That sounds solid enough to challenge the '07 Rockies for the best team fielding percentage record in the history of the major leagues! (Lest we forget those glory days).

But what about the Rockies of today? Make no mistake, the Rox have been active this off-season. Active like somebody who insecurely keeps himself busy all the time in order to appear hard at work. They stupidly released a very valuable closer in Huston Street. And smartly cut Wigginton, just for the hell of it. They saved a tiny bit of money on the Iannetta/Hernandez flip. And for whatever reason, signed an undesirable, flyball-inducing innings-eater, Kevin Slowey. That still leaves a lot of money to get an Ace. And an Ace we need, oh-so-badly, ever since we traitorously traded Ubaldo.

Well, CJ Wilson went to Disneyland with Whinnie the Pujols, so there's only one Ace left out there.
It's the highly coveted Yu Darvish.
This is it, Rox. Your last chance.
This guy's numbers are no fluke.

Check it out, it's the Stat of the Week


Alas, we all know the emptyheaded Monforts are cheap bastards and there's no way in hell the Rockies could ever muster enough sophistication and/or foresight to pull this one off. Not as long as these same twisted minds are still in control. Given their history of terrible pitching contracts and the discriminatory practices of their more recent past, would it surprise anyone if the Rockies were reticent to go after Japaense-Iranian Yu Darvishsefad as opposed to simply "trusting" in dudes like Alex White, Drew Pomeranz, and Christian Friedrich (suspiciously Jeff Franciscan in his underwhelmingness) -- who stunk it up in Double-A last year (6-10, 5.00 ERA, 1.49 WHIP)? One thing has become clear over the years. Despite a consistently full Coors field, the old white men at the top only care about augmenting their own wealth, like every other jerk in the 1% -- to use the parlance of our times.

Thus, dear friends, with all your typical major league b.s. continuing to give Baseball a bad name, it may be time once again (after this season, of course) to abandon the mlb, and, in the meantime, to get to know the local amateur team, the Denver Browns, in time for my spring visit back home.