And while I'd love to spill some proverbial ink on Epstein's latest moves, I feel compelled to comment on "those slick fucks" down in Miami.
First off, I'd like to thank Ozzie Guillen and his Florida fish for taking Big Z off Chicago’s hands, even if the Cubbies were forced to eat $16.5 million of the $18 million he’s owed in 2012. For every flash of brilliance displayed by Carlito over the years, there was an equal and opposite mental meltdown waiting in the lurch. And boy did he go out in a blaze of glory: in his final appearance as a Cub late last season, he served up five homeruns, was ejected for throwing at Chipper Jones, and finished by “retiring” after the game. Of course, now that he’s far from the accursed confines of Wrigley Field and soon to be throwing in balmier climes under Ozzie Guillen (his Venezuelan pal and paisano), Chicagoans should expect nothing less than a Cy Young-caliber year from their former ace. That’s just Cub luck. Vaya con Dios, Carlito...
In addition to picking up Zambrano, the Marlins have made a splash by signing a boatload of talent, which includes: a freshly-shorn Jose Reyes, fireball closer Heath Bell, the mysterious Leo Núñez (aka Juan Carlos Oviedo), and former Southside star Mark Buehrle. With Hanley Ramirez moving to third to make room for the incoming Reyes, along with a solid starting five and a formidable closer in Bell, the Fish have to be considered the frontrunners in the NL East. As a matter of fact, I’m sure no one would be surprised to see the Marlin’s walk away with yet another World Series trophy this year – as they seem to do in nonchalant fashion every few years, only to unload their roster and start from scratch the following season.
Here one might ask: But how can those tight-fisted Marlins afford to spend so freely in the offseason? Don’t they have to pay for that new baseball-only stadium built for the team this year?
The answer: No, of course not! You see, all the organization had to do was complain to the city that the team was losing money, threaten relocation, and then convince local politicians to use tax money to fund 80% of the cost of the $634 million dollar stadium (who needs schools and hospitals when we can have ballparks!), which is expected to generate loads of revenue for the owners. Slick indeed. Why, the deal between the team and the city was so slick that the SEC has taken an interest in the team’s financial records and the specifics of the stadium’s financing. Regardless of how that investigation turns out, though, the fact of the matter is that those wily Marlins will somehow have managed to field a team of state-subsidized multimillionaires to play baseball, which is certainly a neat trick. Oh, and as a token of appreciation for the city's generosity, the organization has officially changed its name from the “Florida” to the Miami Marlins, even adopting a nauseating new logo, replete with blasts of South Beach pastel. It looks like everyone walks away a winner.
